The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. Jesus is Shaq. I’m Conan.
Now I don’t want to get into the whole Leno-Conan slap-fest, but suffice it to say that Jesus and I have been Conan fans for years. We are so down with Coco!
Tonight, Conan was getting nostalgic about some classic moments he’s had over the last seven months. This is when he and Shaq had a dance off. I have no idea exactly what Shaq is doing but both he and Conan fell in sync like some kind of two-man push-me-pull-you. It was both weird and wonderful.
Kirk never came out of his bedroom. He’s a Leno fan through and through. He still thinks “Iron Jay” was the funniest thing ever created. Yup, that’s his comedy bar: “Iron Fucking Jay.” Kirk likes his comedy like he likes his women…not very smart and with a big chin. Bam! I’d like to take credit for that but that’s all Jesus.
Jesus’ Ham Streak hits 17 straight days!
The Matrix. I’m The Agent. Jesus is Trinity. Kirk is Neo.
You might notice that Jesus isn’t using a gun. He hates them; and even if he didn’t, it’s not like we have one just laying around the house. That’s a fish. Jesus is blowing me away with a fish. He’s not too comfortable working with props.
The Breakfast Club. Kirk is Molly Ringwald.
This is one of Kirk’s favorite movies. Ever. He said it totally captures his high school experience. Both Jesus and I just rolled our eyes. “What? It does!” So which one were you, I asked him but I already knew what he’d say. “I’m Bender, man. The Judd Nelson character.” I knew it. Kirk is so predictable.
But Jesus wasn’t buying it. “No way you’re Bender. The wrestler, Emilio’s character, that I see or better yet…Claire. Yes, you’re Molly Ringwald!” Kirk just sat there. He was stunned. It’s not too often that you think you’re like a pimp member of the Brat Pack only to have someone shoot you down and tell you’re actually the bratty princess. I didn’t know if Kirk was going punch Jesus right on his beard or what. But after a moment, Kirk got up and said, “You’re right. That’s exactly who I am. I AM Claire.”
That Jesus, he knew people. It was weird but he just got you. One moment you were saying that you were the rebel dude that no one wanted to fuck with but ol’ Jesus would just look you straight in the eye and tell you were the spoiled little red-headed chick with pouty lips and suddenly you knew it and so did everybody else. He was that good.
That’s when Kirk started to dance. I’ve seen Kirk TRY to dance more than a dozen times. Not pretty. But tonight, something changed. It was like Kirk finally knew who he was. It was beautiful. And just for a second, between a kick and a spin, I’ll be damned if Kirk didn’t look like a slightly less-manish version of Molly Ringwald herself. It was something, I tell you.
Happy New Year, Charlie Brown
So this has got to be the saddest thing ever. Kirk told us we HAD to see this cartoon called, “Peanuts”. Now Jesus and I had never heard of it but we love “Family Guy” and “South Park” so we were both pretty psyched to see what Kirk called, “a holiday classic.” BIG MISTAKE. This thing was a total turd right from the get-go.
It’s about some loser named Charlie Brown who Jesus was pretty sure had that Benjamin Button disease, you know where you were born an old dude. I mean the kid was bald and everything so I think he was right. Anyway, nobody seemed to like this total dork, even his dog—and dogs set the bar pretty low when it comes to liking people: open a can, hold a leash. That’s it.
Man was the pacing of this thing sllllloooooow. Every time we were expecting someone to get thrown in a snow blower or get hit by a school bus…NOTHING happened. Not even a fantasy sequence! They didn’t even make fun of Jews or Mexicans either. WTF, Charles Schulz!?!?
Anyway, that bald loser has to read “War and Peace” during his Christmas break but all he really wants to do is dance with this “little red-headed girl.” Jesus said that the only way “that tard could get a chick…would be in a rape van.” And that seemed about right.
But the poor bald kid learns how to dance anyway and Jesus and I made fun of the whole thing. And then Kirk and I played like we were Lucy and Linus (he’s some nerdy music dork (what are you looking at, Adam Lambert?) and she’s a straight-up nympho) but because Kirk can’t play the piano, he just bongo-ed on Jesus’ wine jug.
But then it happened. We were all making fun of that bald freak when the poor doofus learns that he missed the dance AND the little red-hair girl was there!!! None of his friends liked him enough to call him or get him. He just fell asleep reading that shitty Tolstoy book. In the end, he stands there with that stupid look on his face as he stares out the door and realizes that the rest of his life will be just like this…spent alone on New Year’s with a stupid book in his hands that he’s just too bored to read.
It was like getting kicked in the balls and the stomach at the exact same time. We all pretty much shut up after that. And I don’t think any of us said another word the rest of the night.
Happy New Year, Charlie Brown
So this has got to be the saddest thing ever. Kirk told us we HAD to see this cartoon called, “Peanuts”. Now Jesus and I had never heard of it but we love “Family Guy” and “South Park” so we were both pretty psyched to see what Kirk called, “a holiday classic.” BIG MISTAKE. This thing was a total turd right from the get-go.
It’s about some loser named Charlie Brown who Jesus was pretty sure had that Benjamin Button disease, you know where you were born an old dude. I mean the kid was bald and everything so I think he was right. Anyway, nobody seemed to like this total dork, even his dog—and dogs set the bar pretty low when it comes to liking people: open a can, hold a leash. That’s it.
Man was the pacing of this thing sllllloooooow. Every time we were expecting someone to get thrown in a snow blower or get hit by a school bus…NOTHING happened. Not even a fantasy sequence! They didn’t even make fun of Jews or Mexicans either. WTF, Charles Schulz!?!?
Anyway, that bald loser has to read “War and Peace” during his Christmas break but all he really wants to do is dance with this “little red-headed girl.” Jesus said that the only way “that tard could get a chick…would be in a rape van.” And that seemed about right.
But the poor bald kid learns how to dance anyway and Jesus and I made fun of the whole thing. And then Kirk and I played like we were Lucy and Linus (he’s some nerdy music dork (what are you looking at, Adam Lambert?) and she’s a straight-up nympho) but because Kirk can’t play the piano, he just bongo-ed on Jesus’ wine jug.
But then it happened. We were all making fun of that bald freak when the poor doofus learns that he missed the dance AND the little red-hair girl was there!!! None of his friends liked him enough to call him or get him. He just fell asleep reading that shitty Tolstoy book. In the end, he stands there with that stupid look on his face as he stares out the door and realizes that the rest of his life will be just like this…spent alone on New Year’s with a stupid book in his hands that he’s just too bored to read.
It was like getting kicked in the balls and the stomach at the exact same time. We all pretty much shut up after that. And I don’t think any of us said another word the rest of the night.
